At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
