Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
