Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Someone shit on the floor
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
