Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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