you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
