I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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