I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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