I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
