Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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