i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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