oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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