i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
