He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
