Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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