He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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