Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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