How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
