I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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