some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
