Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
