"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
