Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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