you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
