Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
