Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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