Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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