I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
