Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
