rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
