I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
