Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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