Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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