why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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