Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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