i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
