oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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