just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
