i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
