Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
