i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
