dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
