I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
