just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I could make wine with my vomit
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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