Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
