I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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