just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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