i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
