maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
