im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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