Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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