I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
