He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
