I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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