Someone shit on the floor
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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