She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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