Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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