She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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