Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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